What if you have it all wrong? What if nothing happens for a reason? What if it’s all just a series of guesses at what you think you want? What if you’re wrong most of the time? What if it’s just failure after failure? What if your life is a series of random choices that don’t add up to anything but a lack of direction? What if you’re lost? What if feeling ‘found’ is a weird nonsense allusion? What if everyone is doing better than you? What if everyone is disappointed in you? What if you never find your way? What if you run out of time? Why aren’t there any guarantees?
These are some thoughts that are both terrifying and honest. They are mine, but I’m sure you’ve had them too. I really hope so. (Not because I want you to suffer, but because if I’m alone in this I just might explode). I have had a lot of these thoughts lately. Maybe it’s because I’m in my Saturn Return, maybe it’s because I’m in my late twenties, or maybe this is just a part of life no matter your age, success, or luck. Word on the street is, being in my twenties makes it worse, but this is definitely a life long relationship with doubt, self-worth, and future wants and needs.
I like to think of this blog as a place for inspiration, joy, and connection, with a big emphasis on joy. I don’t want to bring down the tone of the room or anything, but if you’re reading this and expecting an answer to the problem of ‘what the hell is happening and where do I belong’ stop reading now. I’m just as confused as the rest of you.
Where do I belong? What do I want? Where do I want to go? These thoughts are on an endless loop in my head right now. I’d pay good money for someone to give me an answer that is guaranteed to be correct. I know that’s not how it works but damn, I wish it was.
Here’s something I’ve been thinking about lately: what if the Universe isn’t planning, orchestrating, and managing our lives so we can become some beautiful, happy, fulfilled thing? What if the Universe isn’t thinking about us at all? What if it’s not about the Universe helping you close your deal, or process your grief, or take away all of your financial problems? (I don’t know about you, but I never talk to the Universe more than when things are really hard and/or I can’t find a parking space). What if it’s not about what’s being given? What if it’s actually about how how we receive?
Let’s imagine that the Universe is throwing miracles our way every second of every day; the world is just one big minefield of miracles. Sounds pretty great right? Well, yes and no. The truth is, we all tend to have strong ideas about what we need and what we want. As a result, we can be closed off to a lot of opportunities, ideas, and paths. So, this means that the Universe can be bombarding us with miracles that are incredibly valuable to our well-being but, because they’re not quite what we’re looking for, we feel like we’re getting nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. (Reference inner monologue at the beginning of this post for more details on exactly how that feels). You know when you get exactly what you want and you think about how the Universe is great and you’re filled with faith? Well, what if that moment (you know you’ve had it, it’s called happiness without anxiety) is nothing more than the moment when your wants/needs match up with the miracles that the Universe is throwing your way? It’s not that the Universe has your back in that moment (and doesn’t have your back in other moments) it’s just a coincidence that you and the Universe are on the same page re: what you need right now.
This doesn’t mean the Universe is less with you. It actually means the Universe is offering so much more than you’re willing to accept. It also means that things might not shake out exactly how you want them to. But maybe, what you think is great and magnificent is missing all kinds of awesomeness? The truth is, I don’t know. But, just keep swimming I guess?